Ah, Christmas. It’s a time of family get-togethers, going into debt, and TV and movie studios trying their best to cater to everyone. Unless you’re on the Hallmark Channel, and it’s pretty obvious you’ve got one specific demo you are targeting with extreme prejudice.
Over the years, many Christmas-themed movies and TV specials have danced across screens, both big and small. Some of them are classics like A Muppet Christmas Carol, or It’s a Wonderful Life. Others go out of their way to try and be extreme in their counter-programming, like Silent Night, Deadly Night (which has somehow made six total films over the years…good lord).
And then others are just so odd and unexpected that they deserve their own list, and that’s what we’re doing today. I’m not sure this list should be counted as Nice or Naughty; we’ll say this is Jessica’s Weird List…which, if you know me, is a compliment.
This list isn’t in any particular order…except for the last one I’ll cover because it manages to trump everyone on the sheer weirdness that it worked to be. Also, I do not include any of the Hallmark massive, Fort Knox-sized library of films because……you’ll have to strap me into a chair like that one from A Clockwork Orange to get that to happen.
So buckle up as we climb on Santa’s sleigh to fly through some of the oddest entries in the land of Christmas entertainment.
A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey (2009)
Many people have forgotten this one, but I remember seeing this in the theatre and how creepy it was. This version of Dickens’s tale came out five years after the uncanny valley that was The Polar Express. And Carrey plays not just Scrooge but every ghost that visits him. That includes the weird candle that was the Ghost of Christmas Past, the weirdly Burger King-looking Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Grim Reaper Ghost of Christmas Future. Carrey had already become an unofficial king of Christmas in 2000 with his live-action Grinch, which is one of my favourites.
The animation in this is unsettling (Not as disturbing as that movie poster showing Scrooge straddling what I think is a bell and having that O face going on.) It was all done with motion capture as well. But the cast is impressive and includes Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Bob Hoskins, Cary Elwes, and Robin Wright. It should be no surprise that Robert Zemeckis also wrote and directed this, just as he did Polar Express.
This version of A Christmas Carol runs with the horror elements of Dickens’s story. The UK has a history of telling ghost stories at Christmas time, and this one is a classic if ever there was one. The characters just look so damn unnerving, though.
We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (1994)
The TMNT Christmas special from 1994 features the live-action turtles. If you thought the mocap animation was disturbing from our first entry, it’s nothing compared to the creepy, dead-eyed turtles trouncing about the city to find Splinter a gift.
Between the rictus grins that seem permanently there, to Michelangelo randomly breaking into opera for some reason, to Splinter’s Twelve Days of Christmas gift list, which included 12 April O’Neal Autographs (stalking?) 4 Manhole Covers (someone has probably fallen to their death over this one) and nine narrow neckties…which is a choice for a giant large rat. By the way, Splinter needs a LOT of sleep here.
We Wish You a Turtle Christmas followed on the heels of The Coming of the Their Shells Tour, a live tour that the costumed versions of the turtles did and an actual record they released. The movie features a few of the songs from that. I feel bad for the poor real turtles filmed walking around green goo in this. This feels so absolutely right in the early 90s that it made my bones crumble a little due to my age being pounded home with a mallet.
Also…those turtle costumes are disturbing.
He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)
Let’s be honest for a moment. He-Man, She-Ra and their motley crews were an ad for the toys. And I’m okay with that. The toys came first, the cartoon second. I love MOTU and the She-Ra series, both old and new. But this Christmas Special is an extraordinary entry into the MOTU pantheon.
The special is an excuse to have all of the characters from She-Ra and He-Man together in one 45-minute (give or take) episode. In the vein of the live-action film (none of those characters are in this), the unique, thanks to Orko messing up a new spacecraft, manages to bring two kids from Earth to Eternia. This all happened during Adam and Adora’s birthday (who knew that He-Man and Jesus shared a birthday?).
When the kids start talking about Christmas (while there’s a subplot about a crystal needed for fuel), Horde Prime, the big boss, decides that Christmas needs to be stopped. This causes Skeletor and Hordak to battle over who gets to give the boss his requested Christmas present.
After a series of fights, Skeletor, of all people, starts feeling nice, much to his chagrin. He’s got both kids and a cute, yappy robot dog named Relay in his care as he marches them through the snow to deposit them off. Miguel and Alicia must be the stupidest kids ever as they thank Skeletor and are “gee shucks” in every other scene with him. They would quickly take the talking skull on the body of The Rock if he were a Smurf.
Eventually, Skeletor winds up saving the kids from Horde Prime after bonding with Relay and not knowing why he suddenly feels this urge to be excellent. He-Man and She-Ra explain to him that Christmas makes people feel good (they’ve never worked retail during this time of year), to which Skeletor utters the magic line, “But I don’t like to feel good, I like to feel evil.”
The Special is odd and ends with the kids returning to Earth to their parents, their dad looking like he stepped out of the Mario Brothers. But before they leave, Santa and Adam gift them flying belts, technology that is nowhere near anything on earth and will probably end with one of the kids being shredded by a plane engine when they can’t figure out how to land.
Smokey Mountain Christmas (1986)
Confession time. I love this movie. I love Dolly Parton. And what’s better than Dolly Parton? Having Dolly Parton take on a red-headed backwoods witch who wants to fight her and the Six Million Dollar Man. If that sort of story appeals to you, then you, too, will love Smokey Mountain Christmas.
Shown on ABC in December of 86, the movie was co-written by Parton and features songs by her and her uncle. It co-stars Lee Majors, Bo Hopkins, John Ritter, Anita Morris and Dan Hedaya. The story is a slight spin on the Snow White story, with Parton playing Lorna Davis…who is Dolly Parton. She’s a famous singer trying to hide away from the media and discovers the cabin she was to stay at is now the home of 7 orphans. Remember when I said it’s Snow White? Well, there’s a woodsman in the form of Mountain Dan, played by Majors, who saves Lorna from an evil witch named…Jezebel. We missed an opportunity here, Jolene fans.
Jezebel eventually tries to poison Lorna while dressed as an old woman with a pie (Snow White again), but it doesn’t work. Finally, Lorna adopts all seven kids (eat your heart out, Angelina Jolie) and spends Christmas with her new bionic honey and family.
Smokey Mountain Christmas works because of Dolly and the awesome evil witch played by Anita Morris. It’s a wholesome semi-modern fairy tale with Dolly’s charm throughout.
But I must tell you that I would have given a kidney for Elvira to be the witch in this opposite of Dolly. I mean…I don’t know if we would have had enough TV screens to contain all that, but we can dream, can’t we?
A Christmas Dream (1984)
Emmanuel Lewis and Mr. T were EVERYWHERE in the 80s. So, of course, why not create a variety show Christmas special where Mr. T is sort of Santa Claus and Emmanuel Lewis isn’t Webster but is also kinda Webster? He’s named Billy, and he hates Christmas. So Santa T has to teach him the meaning of Christmas (as well as his non-existent parents).
This NBC “movie”” has a random selection of guest stars and takes place all around the NBC offices in New York. The guest stars include David Copperfield, Willie Tyler and Lester, The Rockettes, Maureen McGovern, The American Boys Choir…as well as ice skaters Tai Babilonia and Randy Gardner.
It’s probably no surprise this was “written” by a gent named Frank Slocum. Slocum is credited for writing numerous David Copperfield specials and beauty pageants. As I said, this seemed like a random collection of available and local people at the time. Ed Koch even shows up in a cameo. I’m shocked that Donald Trump wasn’t floating around here somewhere.
The Life & Adventures of Santa Claus (1985)
Did you think we’d not have a Rankin Bass one on here? This was based on a book of the same name written in 1902 by L. Frank Baum, who gave us The Wizard of Oz.
This one made it on the list because it’s the most off-the-wall telling of Santa’s life. It tells the story of how the jolly old elf becomes an immortal being. Also, a lioness raises him after another immortal elf leaves him in her care while Claus is still a baby mortal. There’s a whole war between fairy creatures who are evil (the Awgwas) and the good immortals. We find out how Claus got his reindeer and started his deliveries of toys on Christmas.
Claus almost dies, but after his friend pleads his case to a council of immortals, he is given the name Santa and can now spend eternity delivering Christmas joy.
The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus is lovely as always when it comes to Rankin Bass productions. It’s just such an off-the-wall telling of the story of Santa and another of those specials that it seems many people may have forgotten exists because I don’t hear it talked about nearly as much as Rudolph or Santa Claus is Comin to Town. This could be because there aren’t as big names when it comes to the voice actors, but you can bite me. Mother Effing Panthro, AKA Earle Hyman, is the voice of King Awgwa in it and that rules.
Christmas Comes to Pac Land (1982)
The 80s belonged to Pac Man. That’s just how it was. There were the video games, the song about the fever, and the cartoon series starring the scratchy voice of Marty Ingels. The cartoon series and this special aired on ABC and were not missed on Saturday morning viewing. See, young uns, we had Saturday Morning Cartoons back in my day, and it was epic.
Random as hell, the Pacman special was similar in that the main characters, AKA the Pac Family, have no idea what Christmas is and learn about it from Santa himself after his sleigh crashes in their land. Throughout the special, the ghosts learn about Christmas from Pacman after he learns about it from Santa. And then they give speed pills…I mean…power pellets to the reindeer so they can make their deliveries for Christmas.
The simple fact there is a Pac-Man Christmas Special should be enough for you to see why this was included. On top of that, it consists of the voices behind Optimus Prime and Megatron, Peter Cullen and Frank Welker in the cast.
Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)
Before Tim Allen’s The Santa Clause, there was Santa Claus: The Movie and Dudley Moore. Yep, Dudley Moore was an elf in the North Pole. Don’t worry, it gets weirder.
Santa Claus, the movie, actually tackled the whole corporate greed taking over Christmas long before the movie Elf did. It’s another of those forgotten sorts of films because many people don’t discuss it. Did I mention it’s directed by the same guy who did Jaws 2 and Supergirl? He did Somewhere in Time as well. Jeannot Szwarc has range.
The film tells how Santa was foretold to the elves in the North Pole and how he would help them create the toys for all the children in the world. When Moore’s Patch, an elf with big ideas, makes automation to assist in production, things go wrong, and he leaves. He then joins forces with an evil businessman named BZ, played in scenery-chewing glory by John Lithgow. BZ gives no Fs (sorry, letter humour) about safety and is soon making candy to make kids float, which is way too strong. He doesn’t care; he’s going to sell it because of money.
It’s up to Santa Claus, some kids, and Dudley Moore to save the day. If the trailer makes you think of Superman, there’s a reason. Ilya Salkind was a producer on both as well as on Supergirl. I think the whole child endangerment thing may have hurt the flick’s time in theatres…especially with the fact that Lithgow ends up flying up into space after eating the flying candy to escape…and will probably die horribly. And Santa and company just let that happen because of the hell with that guy.
Cast-wise, I love that David Huddleston, AKA the Big Lebowski himself, was Santa, and you had Burgess Meredith as an elf. But for those who know my love of Hawk The Slayer and Legend, Peter O’Farrell as an elf is a bonus. Santa Claus The Movie is a weird take that could only be born of the 80s and surprise! Studio Canal announced a 4K restoration of the flick in November to be released on Blu-Ray and Digital. And wow, it looks pretty.
Okay, we’re down to our final two, so I will make a special honourable mention to one of the building blocks of my adolescence, Mystery Science Theater 3000. We’ve got a movie sign, whether we want it or not. And thanks to MST3K, I know of two Christmas flicks that are two of the strangest ever made. These are just too weird to be included. They deserve their spot.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and the title Santa Claus. Oh, good god, these two films.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has Santa kidnapped so he can make toys for Martian kids because the kids are fascinated by him and Christmas. I can’t do natural justice to this movie. Beyond the Martian’s being green face painted weirdos, the acting, the names…Momar, Bomar, Dropo…I just. It’s so freaking insane. Bonus Pia Zadora as Girmar, the little girl Martian.
But even more bizarre than Santa taking on aliens…is Santa taking on Satan. The other name for this film is Santa Claus vs. the Devil. But it was shown on MST3k as just plain Santa Claus. Spoiler: there’s nothing simple about this. Besides Santa and his horrifying robot reindeer (help us!!!), there’s “Pitch,” aka The Devil, who is trying to get all the little kids to do bad things, I guess? Then there are Santa’s “kid helpers” from around the world who work for him.
There are mentions of Baby Jesus, Merlin (yes, that Merlin) and the horrifying Teletalker. Then there’s the burly and very hairy Keymaker. What I’m saying is you owe it to yourself to view the MST3K version of this cocaine-fueled fever dream.
Okay, now back to the last two on the list!
Christmas At Pee Wee’s Playhouse (1988)
Pee Wee Herman was a gift in and of himself, and back in the late 80s, he gave us one of the most exceptional guest and weirdness-packed holiday specials ever with Christmas At Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Much like the regular Saturday morning series, the episode has a moral at its heart while surrounded by crazy exploits and the crew of the playhouse. By the end, this one has Pee Wee realizing that Christmas isn’t about all the presents (which Pee Wee’s list could probably wrap around North America twice) but about sharing and giving to those you love and who are less fortunate.
But while this lovely lesson is learned, Pee Wee has a list of guest stars that defies all logic…and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides the usual cast, which included Laurence Fishburne and William Marshall (I still love that Morpheus and Blacula were in this show), Jon Paragon was Jambi and Lynne Marie Stewart was Miss Yvonne.
But added to the cast this go-round was Charo, The Del Rubio Triplettes, Frankie and Annette, Whoopi Goldberg, Magic Johnson, Joan Rivers, KD Lang, Dinah Shore, Oprah, Zsa Zsa Gabor, freaking Cher, Little Richard, and in a moment that lives rent-free in my head Grace Jones who emerges from a packing crate and sings Little Drummer Boy.
The late, great Paul Reubens looked at all the Christmas specials of long ago and said, no, watch this and created one of the most wacky and beautiful specials for kids and adults to enjoy. Bask in its glory and all praise, Pee Wee.
And now for number 1.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
Oh god, in heaven. The Star Wars Holiday Special (which just got a feature-length documentary with A Disturbance in the Force). The creation in the land of legend was so embarrassing and weird that George Lucas tried to pull a Bram Stoker’s widow on it and destroy every copy like she did Nosferatu.
The Star Wars Holiday Special. I remember seeing this when I was 3. No joke. And later in life, when I rewatched it, I realized I had been scarred for life, and that’s how I could remember it. The late Carrie Fisher said she was so high during the making of this that she doesn’t remember making it. I don’t think Harrison Ford will talk about it. For whatever reason, they have Mark Hamil wearing more makeup than Carrie Fisher.
But that’s just the regular Star Wars crew. Let’s talk about Chewbacca’s family, who don’t speak in any way but Wookie. Then, I realize that a large dude plays Chewie’s wife in a suit. The whole plot about getting Chewie home for Life Day, the Star Wars equivalent of Christmas, will long be forgotten when the cast of guest stars show up and you see what they’re doing.
Art Carney winds up peddling galactic porn to Chewie’s dad Itchy (which features Diahann Carroll). No, I wish I was making that part up. Then Bea Arthur sings while she runs the Mos Eisley Cantina. There’s a cooking show with Harvey Korman dressed in drag as a multi-armed alien Julia Child. There’s a dance sequence featuring the most flamboyant Ming the Merciless I’ve ever seen. OH, and Jefferson Starship shows up.
And in the middle of all this madness, this is the first appearance of Boba Fett ever during a cartoon segment. This is the one part of the special that makes some sense. I still find it amusing how much the version of Han Solo in this looks like Adam Driver, who would play his son YEARS later. It’s not just me. You see it, too, right?
The special ends with Carrie Fisher singing as Princess Leia and everyone reunited for Life Day with galactic space Wookie orbs.
The Star Wars Holiday Special defies accurate description. You have to experience it. Years ago, I sent a copy of it to Simon Pegg along with a drinking game I created to be used to help/enhance the viewing experience. Be warned; you might die at some point if you follow it. I’ll include a link below for those brave enough to experience it.
And there you have it, kids, my list of the ten weirdest holiday specials/films. You can find several of these on YouTube and Blu-ray/DVD. Go forth and enjoy the odd and wonderful holiday season.